Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Yoga Hosers (2016)
DIRECTOR: Kevin Smith
WRITER: Kevin Smith
Harley Quinn Smith
Jennifer Schwalbach Smith
Haley Joel Osment
Two teenage girls who are known as 'The Colleens' are invited to a huge party by the school's hottest and most popular bloke. With plans on attending the party, they are made to work at the very last minute by their manager. Little do 'The Colleens' realise that this is the least of their worries when they are overrun and attacked by miniature Bratwurst Nazi's. The Colleens must now team up with a legendary hunter to stop this latest threat.
I've always been a big fan of Kevin Smith. I can still remember first watching Clerks when I was roughly fourteen years old and not fully understanding everything in the movie but finding it absolutely hysterical. It became one of my favourite films out of his entire filmography. I also ended up falling in love with his other films Mallrats and Dogma. Chasing Amy is still his masterpiece. I even enjoyed the whole transition out of the Jay And Silent Bob universe and into darker territory with the underrated Red State. Things were looking up.
Sadly he's seen his fair share of terrible movies as well. Cop Out is still probably his worst film to date. The first movie in his Truth North trilogy Tusk was also a miss for me. Yoga Hosers is the second film in the trilogy, and I didn't think it was possible for it to get any worse than Tusk, but Yoga Hosers has succeeded at that task. It may be one of the 'Wurst' movies of 2016 which they even used on some of the promotional material for the film.
Going into a movie where the film's villains are angry little Nazi's made out of German bratwurst, you know you won't be witnessing a 'Citizen Kane' type masterpiece. I still remember seeing the trailer for the film and just being so put off by everything I had seen in the trailer. I even had a slight hope going into the movie that I may actually end up enjoying the absurdity of the premise. After watching it, though. It turns out that I hated nearly everything about the film.
We'll start with the acting in the film, it's terrible. I get that the entire cast is putting on terrible Canadian accents for the sake of comedy, but the movie really isn't all that amusing. I found that I laughed twice in the whole hour and a half. Both Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp are talented actresses, just the material is way below their talents. Adam Brody, Justin Long, Austin Butler and Tyler Posey are also wasted here in Yoga Hosers. It feels like they are all slumming it.
Even Johnny Depp who is one of the most talented and diverse actors working in film today looks bored in the role. Other than looking kooky, there isn't much more to do than that. Haley Joel Osment stops by for a cameo and looks worse for wear. A far cry from his days as the kid from The Sixth Sense and Pay It Forward. It's both Vanessa Paradis and Natasha Lyonne that deliver what can only be described as the most fun and enjoyable roles in the film.
Yoga Hosers contains some of the worst visual effects that I think I've ever seen in a movie. I get that the film is about a bunch of Bratwurst Nazi's so the movie is sort of entitled to have this look of being poorly made as it adds to the overtly silly quality of the film and to all the proceedings, but this is just so bad it's almost unforgivable. All the exploding nazi visuals reminded me of early Nintendo 64 graphics. I've seen films that were made for less than a million that had better visual effects than Yoga Hosers.
When it comes to the horror in Yoga Hosers, it's all very lighthearted. The darker stuff is pushed to the side in favour of Kevin Smith giving us his usual brand of comedy, we have less dick and fart jokes here. The height of comedy in Yoga Hosers comes from the little bratwurst nazi's inserting themselves into people's arses. I found that a few of the scenes in the movie felt quite similar to Jennifer's Body which is a much better film than this one.
The problems in Yoga Hosers doesn't stop there. The movie has a lot of other issues. We have a few scenes of the girls singing, which aren't great. There are also terrible cutaways to explain all the characters in the film that are apparently made by a man in his forties who thinks he's down with teenage girls and their internet habits. Yoga Hosers sadly also suffers from having any real semblance of a plot. The movie is just all over the place. A big misfire for Kevin Smith.
DEATH TOLL: 4
BLOOD AND GORE:
- Bratwurst Nazi's inserting themselves into people's asses.
- Someone's neck is broken.
- Bratwurst Nazi's being stomped on and exploding.
- A Bratwurst Nazi is pulled in half.
- The villain is made of flesh and bones.
- Someone is killed with a huge hockey stick.
Yoga Hosers is a terrible film. From the awful performances to the lousy visual effects, this is simply one of the worst movies of 2016. Kevin Smith started off promising with his turn into darker territory with the excellent Red State, but his True North trilogy so far has been two for two on the 'awful movies' front. If you want a well-made movie about teenage girls and friendship, watch Terry Zwigoff's Ghost World instead.