Friday, May 19, 2017

Don't Fuck In The Woods (2017)

DIRECTOR: Shawn Burkett

WRITER: Shawn Burkett


Brittany Blanton
Ayse Howard
Roman Jossart
Nadia White
Hannah Herdt
Brian Cornell
Brandy Mason
Kayla Stone
Scott Gillespie


A group of friends decides to go camping in the woods to celebrate them graduating college. The plan is to swim, drink and have a lot of sex. Their fun is quickly ruined, when they are slowly hunted down and picked off, one by one by a big, blood-thirsty monster. The monster only strikes and attacks when the group indulge in their carnal relations. Instead of being able to smell fear, this can smell the sex in the air, and it will hunt you down.

Going into a movie with such a great title like 'Don't Fuck In The Woods'. I went into this film with some pretty high expectations. I hadn't watched the trailer for the film and was going into this one blind. I expected this movie to be a meta sort of slasher and not a monster movie. I think when you have a title like this, you can expect this to be inspired by films like Scream or The Cabin In The Woods. I really thought I was going to get one of those clever little horror flicks. Boy, was I wrong?

The movie opens with a couple in the woods. The girl gives her boyfriend head and they start to have sex in their tent. They are brutally killed by this unseen monster. Queue, the set up for the rest of this film. What stood out about this opening scene for me is that we get a close-up shot of a woman's vagina. I was more shocked that the movie showed it than anything else. I soon discovered that this movie plays like Cinemax porn than an actual horror movie.

This is the basic story of Don't Fuck In The Woods. We get a really dodgily performed sex scene, and those characters are cheaply killed off. Wash, rinse, repeat. There isn't anything clever about this story. It's the same cycle repeated over and over again. It doesn't add nothing new here. I'm well aware that sex equals death. They bludgeon us over the head to make that their point. That's pretty much all there is to it. If you wanted something clever, you could watch just about any slasher from the eighties or nineties. They do this a lot better.

The one thing that I admire about Don't Fuck In The Woods is that the film was made for ten thousand dollars. I can't really fault a film crew or filmmaker for going into the woods with a bunch of people and turning out a horror movie. I've never made a film myself and it must be hard. Even if I didn't enjoy the film, I can't hate on these guys for at least giving it a good go. I think that in itself is worth a point in my book. I may not have enjoyed what I watched but at least they've tried to do something and with a clever title, they'll have people watching their movie.

Coming back to the budget, you can tell the creature is clearly a bloke in a monster suit. The gore effects are also pretty terrible. As I mentioned above, for a film with a budget of just ten thousand dollars, you can't hate on them for trying. I found all the creature sequences to be unintentionally funny more so than outright scary. I'm glad that the director chose to go with a man in a suit over those cheap Syfy visual effects as it played more hilarious than I think it's intended. I think had they done the visual effects, it wouldn't have been as entertainingly bad.

One thing that bugged me early on about this movie was the representation of LGBT characters. They managed to come full circle and redeem themselves somewhat by the movie's end. A very random scene at the beginning of Don't Fuck In The Woods see's this very stereotypical gay man suddenly show up and want to fight one of the main straight guys. It's very odd and we never see him again. The movie goes on to have one-half of the lesbian couple become the hero of the story which I thought was good to see. It wasn't the jock character.

The acting in the film is pretty bad. You can tell this isn't going to be award winning stuff. This feels like a group of friends who have gotten together and gone into the woods to film a cheap horror movie. None of the actors feel like standouts for me. I think this is amateurish. I can't for the life of me really remember much about the characters other than that they are mentioned as the jock, the nerd, the virgin, the cheerleader. They are all pointed out early on and that's about as much character development as we get with these people.

Lastly, I must mention the soundtrack for this film. This movie features a very metal heavy soundtrack. Horror and metal seem to go hand in hand. I took issue though as the metal music plays over dialogue-heavy scenes. There is a scene early on where a character is talking about famous Scream Queens but there is metal music is blaring over her speech which almost drowns out the entire thing. They just don't go hand in hand in Don't Fuck In The Woods. It's actually distracting more than anything. This could have been dialed way back in my book.



- A woman's throat is torn out.
- A man's penis is ripped off.
- A monster rips out a man's throat.
- Someone has a hole punched through their stomach.
- A claw is stabbed into a woman's throat.
- A guy is dragged off by a monster while masturbating.
- Two people are killed by a monster while having sex.
- A monster disembowels a woman.
- A woman is slashed to death by a monster.

Don't be fooled by the awesome title of Don't Fuck In The Woods. This film is a huge miss for me. This movie harkens back to Scream and the whole meta craze in horror cinema. Only this one plays like a cheap porno more than a horror movie or creature feature. The movie features bad acting, terrible gore, and creature design. The whole point of the movie feels like they are trying to sledgehammer you over the head with their point of sex equals death. This isn't subtle at all. Watch any other slasher from the nineties, you're sure to have a better time.


  1. I couldn't finish it. I saw a teaser trailer and the poster and was hoping for more...and I'm just gonna say even bad porn is better acted and has better dialogue than that in this film.

    The characters are annoying, and what was up with the brother? Dreaming about his sister's girlfriend (with his sister in the dream!) and then trying to film them having sex?

    I did laugh when the creepy older guy goes behind a tree and tries masturbating while watching the blonde girl before the creature kills him.

    I felt the opening credits with the metal song was very Hatchet in feel, that was a brilliant indie horror film that spawned two more films and a cult following.

  2. I couldn't have said it better myself, bad porn is better acted and has better dialogue than that in this film. That should've been my review for Don't Fuck In The Woods.